got some of thoughts for ya: transition between page 1 and 2 jumps a bit too much for me personally - seeing him looking in his fridge, and then suddenly in the street. might be nice to see him leaving his room or something..
page 5: being nit-picky here - panel 3, the flow would feel better to me if he's still on the left side, and the capsule thing he's looking at is on the right, since a character show up on his right in the next panel by another capsule thing. and flip panel 6 so he's still on the left.. hope that makes sense. not a big deal though.
page 10: that last panel is CRUCIAL for the next page to make sense. i wonder if there's another way to do the same shot, and be more clear that there's somebody in there. only reason i'm saying this is because i found myself thinking "wait, didn't he just get out?" and had to re-read it a couple times. i know it's just a sketch, but just letting you know what my experience was there.
page 12: since zombie dude breaks out of capsule thing by punching his fist through in the last panel of page 11, might be kinda cool somewhere in page 12 to show a bunch of other fists punching through capsules too, right before he gets swarmed.
hope any of that helps.
that's about all i can see as far as criticism goes man. fun stuff - at first i thought it was gonna be just like Total Recall, but then i kept reading and realized it wasn't. haha.
Kevin, thanks so much for the feedback. It turns out that pages 11 and 12 were actually in the wrong order!!! Lol. I've rearranged them now so it actually makes sense.
My character is supposed to realize that he's trapped in this tube and in a panic punches his way out of the tube.
I'll fix those continuity issues as well. I'm going to can the whole "zombie thing". It was supposed to be metaphorical, but apparently I wasn't able to convey it and it just isn't working, so I'm just going to cut it out all together.
aha! makes SO much more sense now. haha. cool man - GOOD LUCK!! what kind of process do you plan on using when you move on to finishing it (all digital, pencil/ink/photoshop, crayons, etc??)
James- Awesome! What a fun, distilled, and concrete story. It's fresh-enough, not-too cliche, fun, dark sci-fi. It's cool, but not distracting. It's unsettling, but not too much. It's just right!
I don't know how committed you are to panels, etc. But if you want a panel-by-panel feedback, i would be happy to offer my 2 cents like Kevin did. I wonder if the host of the place (which seems to be a personalized hologram ad, kind of like in Minority Report), could be something other than a woman? i don't know. I like that there is the overall theme of romantic and emotional isolation, that so characterizes our digital, modern age. The "single" designation at the start (efficiently establishing that he is either very lonely or just recently dealing with a break-up, etc), then the tantalizing vegas-woman theme thing to draw him in, then the relatively-chaste sexual fantasy of being in a married/otherwise-committed relationship within his dream (which was good, since he's a hero and not a skeezeball, his dream isn't tasteless), etc. I do wonder about the last panel- maybe i missed it, but he escapes, dejected and shocked in the Rip-Van-Winkle style (Which archetype this story essentially is, genius) to find that several weeks or more have passed. There IS a better way to show that, show the date, show a message, or 30 messages, on his phone, showing him listening through them with talk bubble voice bites of the various creditors, family members, land lords, etc all asking where the heck he is, etc. Having her just say "you're two weeks late!" is too "bleh". So what is the significance of the beckoning woman's hand in the foreground at the end? is he going back in? is he tempted at least?
Anyway, just some initial thoughts. Looks amazing! Can't wait to see this finished.
Very interesting critique. To be honest, I never had any intention of making Rip Van Winkle my archetype, but now that you've mentioned it, I think I will. Thanks for the idea.
Actually, the landlady calling and saying his rent is two weeks late wasn't meant to show that he has been in there for that long. Rather, it was just an introduction back to his problems in the real world. What I intended to do was have him come out of this digital hell and fling himself back in the real world where he finds his problems are still waiting for him. As for the lady's finger beckoning him back in, yes I do want to imply that he is being tempted to go back in, like a dog to its' vomit. I wanted to leave the audience on edge at the end, where he is clearly faced with two choices: either go back to the real world and deal with your problems, or go back to that fake, digital world, live in ignorant bliss and unknowingly rot in a tube prison leaving your problems behind. I will however, take your suggestion for those particular panels.
No, I'm not committed panel to panel. I'll have a new layout posted soon. I'm abandoning the "zombie part" that Kevin brought up in his critique. It just isn't working. I meant it to be metaphorical but it's just not doing the job. I think showing the corpses in the tubes will be enough.
Yes, I will have panels trimmed in the final. In fact, Joey Majdali recommended that we each add a half inch to the edges of our pages for printing's sake.
No, I don't I'll have the woman at the receptionist desk replaced with something else. I'll have different female holograms show him around though. The point of those sexy female holograms is to put the audience in this delusional world that lures people in like a fishing line. I want my main character to be this naive fellow who is taken into this false sense of allure and sex as a way of suckering him into this prison.
I'm glad that you liked everything else. I really value your opinion (in spite of the fact my last paragraph said I would reject that one critique). Having the stray jacket thing revealed later will be a great surprise for the readers. Thanks so much for that suggestion. It really helped the story a great deal. I hope it turns out how I'd like it too.
got some of thoughts for ya:
ReplyDeletetransition between page 1 and 2 jumps a bit too much for me personally - seeing him looking in his fridge, and then suddenly in the street. might be nice to see him leaving his room or something..
page 5: being nit-picky here - panel 3, the flow would feel better to me if he's still on the left side, and the capsule thing he's looking at is on the right, since a character show up on his right in the next panel by another capsule thing. and flip panel 6 so he's still on the left.. hope that makes sense. not a big deal though.
page 10: that last panel is CRUCIAL for the next page to make sense. i wonder if there's another way to do the same shot, and be more clear that there's somebody in there. only reason i'm saying this is because i found myself thinking "wait, didn't he just get out?" and had to re-read it a couple times. i know it's just a sketch, but just letting you know what my experience was there.
page 12: since zombie dude breaks out of capsule thing by punching his fist through in the last panel of page 11, might be kinda cool somewhere in page 12 to show a bunch of other fists punching through capsules too, right before he gets swarmed.
hope any of that helps.
that's about all i can see as far as criticism goes man. fun stuff - at first i thought it was gonna be just like Total Recall, but then i kept reading and realized it wasn't. haha.
Kevin, thanks so much for the feedback. It turns out that pages 11 and 12 were actually in the wrong order!!! Lol. I've rearranged them now so it actually makes sense.
DeleteMy character is supposed to realize that he's trapped in this tube and in a panic punches his way out of the tube.
I'll fix those continuity issues as well. I'm going to can the whole "zombie thing". It was supposed to be metaphorical, but apparently I wasn't able to convey it and it just isn't working, so I'm just going to cut it out all together.
aha! makes SO much more sense now. haha.
Deletecool man - GOOD LUCK!! what kind of process do you plan on using when you move on to finishing it (all digital, pencil/ink/photoshop, crayons, etc??)
James-
ReplyDeleteAwesome! What a fun, distilled, and concrete story. It's fresh-enough, not-too cliche, fun, dark sci-fi. It's cool, but not distracting. It's unsettling, but not too much. It's just right!
I don't know how committed you are to panels, etc. But if you want a panel-by-panel feedback, i would be happy to offer my 2 cents like Kevin did.
I wonder if the host of the place (which seems to be a personalized hologram ad, kind of like in Minority Report), could be something other than a woman? i don't know.
I like that there is the overall theme of romantic and emotional isolation, that so characterizes our digital, modern age. The "single" designation at the start (efficiently establishing that he is either very lonely or just recently dealing with a break-up, etc), then the tantalizing vegas-woman theme thing to draw him in, then the relatively-chaste sexual fantasy of being in a married/otherwise-committed relationship within his dream (which was good, since he's a hero and not a skeezeball, his dream isn't tasteless), etc.
I do wonder about the last panel- maybe i missed it, but he escapes, dejected and shocked in the Rip-Van-Winkle style (Which archetype this story essentially is, genius) to find that several weeks or more have passed. There IS a better way to show that, show the date, show a message, or 30 messages, on his phone, showing him listening through them with talk bubble voice bites of the various creditors, family members, land lords, etc all asking where the heck he is, etc. Having her just say "you're two weeks late!" is too "bleh".
So what is the significance of the beckoning woman's hand in the foreground at the end? is he going back in? is he tempted at least?
Anyway, just some initial thoughts. Looks amazing! Can't wait to see this finished.
Oh! I'm assuming you will have panel trim in the final, right?
ReplyDeleteMorgan,
ReplyDeleteVery interesting critique. To be honest, I never had any intention of making Rip Van Winkle my archetype, but now that you've mentioned it, I think I will. Thanks for the idea.
Actually, the landlady calling and saying his rent is two weeks late wasn't meant to show that he has been in there for that long. Rather, it was just an introduction back to his problems in the real world. What I intended to do was have him come out of this digital hell and fling himself back in the real world where he finds his problems are still waiting for him. As for the lady's finger beckoning him back in, yes I do want to imply that he is being tempted to go back in, like a dog to its' vomit. I wanted to leave the audience on edge at the end, where he is clearly faced with two choices: either go back to the real world and deal with your problems, or go back to that fake, digital world, live in ignorant bliss and unknowingly rot in a tube prison leaving your problems behind. I will however, take your suggestion for those particular panels.
No, I'm not committed panel to panel. I'll have a new layout posted soon. I'm abandoning the "zombie part" that Kevin brought up in his critique. It just isn't working. I meant it to be metaphorical but it's just not doing the job. I think showing the corpses in the tubes will be enough.
Yes, I will have panels trimmed in the final. In fact, Joey Majdali recommended that we each add a half inch to the edges of our pages for printing's sake.
No, I don't I'll have the woman at the receptionist desk replaced with something else. I'll have different female holograms show him around though. The point of those sexy female holograms is to put the audience in this delusional world that lures people in like a fishing line. I want my main character to be this naive fellow who is taken into this false sense of allure and sex as a way of suckering him into this prison.
I'm glad that you liked everything else. I really value your opinion (in spite of the fact my last paragraph said I would reject that one critique). Having the stray jacket thing revealed later will be a great surprise for the readers. Thanks so much for that suggestion. It really helped the story a great deal. I hope it turns out how I'd like it too.